04 October 2008

Cause I speak of the pompitus of love.

Today I went to see a matinee of  'Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist'. It was a cute movie; perhaps written for a slightly younger crowd than me but it still managed to set in motion thought processes that it would seem I need to exorcise in blog-form tonight.

I've been thinking a lot about my love for the RITUALS of love. The processes and the patterns. The consolidation of all of those abstracts into a whole entity that I call "love" suits my emotional disadvantages. My emotions at best are muted. It takes strong love or strong hate to make me really feel on a consistent basis, so I rely on the little things that make up a 'relationship' to fulfill me.

That doesn't demean those gestures- those flowers and doodles and notes. Not a bit. If anything they're proof that I do care about the process, lest I just let it dissolve and watch it turn into just another forgettable amount of time spent, no matter how small, with another person.

That pretty much holds true with most of the relationships I've had. And as I watched the movie I started thinking about past loves lost. One I hold in contempt. One in indifference. One amuses me. One I have nothing but fond feelings for (though I wish she'd sign the divorce papers) and one... well.. one is Diana.

Capital D at all times.  The one that got away. The one that I can't forget. If this were a romantic comedy she'd be the one all of my friends didn't mention for fear of me off and jumping on a plane heart in hand to Chicago. If she's even still in Chicago. If she even still thinks of me.

It's an odd feeling, feeling.  Not just intangible blips from time to time. But a persistent reminder- flowers, knitting, a smile- that you were actually happy once and that happiness, while amazing and subtle, came with a price too great.  

Emotion isn't all it's cracked up to be.

No comments: